when food kills

We rarely eat at kfc..for obvious reasons. But when I saw the commercial for the new double down I knew I just had to try it. I don't know what compelled me to do it...perhaps I was momentarily posessed by a heart attack demon, maybe it was because the thought of having two mouthwatering pieces of chicken as buns instead of bread seemed so crazy. Whatever the reason, I did try it last night. I lived through it to tell the tale....so far.
First off I want to say that it's not as neatly given as kfc would have it appear in their stock photo. There are no long strips of bacon..just chopped up pieces that refuse to stay in place and end up all over your clothing. Eating this thing makes you feel like a caveman. You have no choice but to pick up huge hunks of meat and chomp away at them before they stain your perfectly nice clothing. It was akward, the chicken doesn't fit nicely together, the cheese and bacon were sliding all over the place...did I mention they didn't give us any napkins at the drive through??
I pushed forward though, I braved all the hardships of eating this sandwich. About half way through I looked at Kendrick and said, "I am pretty sure if you tested my cholesterol right now it would read....fried chicken." I have not looked at the nutritional facts for this so called sandwich, nor do I want to.
I finished this sucker...that's right. Fatty ate the whole thing. Surprisingly enough I think the double down began to double up in a matter of no time. I went home and put on some nice loose pj's and sat and admired my fried chicken belly. I also listened to the music going on inside my stomach...it sounded like gremlins having a party in there.
Did I mention gas?? Sure it's not really lady like, but when you eat something like this..be prepared for it. you could fuel a small car with the gas this sandwich generates.
I was prepared all night to have to run to the bathroom......let's just say....as of this morning...it's still lodged somewhere between my stomach and intestines. Will it ever come out? I don't know. Maybe the double down becomes a part of us when we eat it.
Wait, hold on....yep....I can see the outline of a chicken breast on my thigh.

Firing a doctor

Went to my usual three month check up with my gastro doctor for GERD. Everytime I have gone he has mentioned my weight..which is fine...being a fat girl I have gotten used to doctors mentioning it.
Except this time he took it a bit too far by mentioning gastric bypass........several times.
Really?? I know I am overweight, but seriously with this..surgery? Oh no, I don't think so doctor Mengele. I responded with a resounding, "NO WAY" and he looked at me like I had six eyes. Then he tried to tell me that I would feel better about myself if I had it done and wasn't so "large." I tried to tell him that I love myself (probably a bit too much) and that although he may not be impressed with my body..I was perfectly ok being rubenesque. In fact, I pointed out to him that he was a little on the large side too and perhaps he should consider gastric bypass himself...that maybe his weight was eating at his self esteem. I don't think he appreciated this much.
He seemed flustered by my responses..he seemed to shrink before me in his chair when I fired off some rather negative information about this surgery. He definitely looked like he may have pissed his pants when I told him that my body is beautiful and if he didn't agree that was fine because I wasn't asking him to adore me.
All this being said, I told him I was done wasting my time seeing him when my fam doc could prescribe my meds without the hassle. He responded with, "I'm the only game in town." To which I responded, "guess I am going to a different town then."
It felt good to put this man in his place...I may be fat, but I am not and never will be the type of person to shrivel up and allow others to try to make me feel less than what I know I am!
Goodbye Dr. Mazza...you can take your biased unprofessional ass and go torment some other fat girl because this woman loves herself the way she is!

Technology

I hail from the days when computers were still somewhat new. I used to think it was an awesome treat to go to the brand new computer lab in school and play on the old apple computer. Seems like it was always Oregon Trail...and I was always dying of Typhoid, or starving to death, or my family was dying off one by one of Cholera.
You ask a kid now what a Commodore 64 is and they look at you like you have spoken another language. Lennon already has his own laptop and a phone with a full keyboard and several gaming systems. He has no idea how amazing technology has become because he was born into the tech boom so to speak.
I lasted through the two years on my basic piece of crap phone that Verizon gave me for starting a new contract. It was pretty scratched up, the battery had to constantly be on a charger, and it was nearing it's end. So I went to the Verizon store the other day to upgrade and was faced with the reality that technology is moving faster than my wallet. Gone are the phones that are basic and cheap. They have all been replaced by "Smart Phones." Sigh....
I finally settled on a Palm Pre Plus. This phone can organize your life, let you play on the web, organize your contacts, your schedules...you name it and it does it. I can even use it as a router for a laptop...How the heck?
How did we go from a computer that took up a whole room to a tiny little phone that does AS much and more?
I was reckless with my old phone, I used to drop it all the time, I used to text in the bathtub, I used to shove it in my pocket with nary a care. Now I feel as though I should encase this in titanium and treat it like it's as fragile as a Ming vase. It scares me. I look at it and make silent vows to protect and love it at all costs. I even have insurance on it.
Now I just need a power suit and I can head out into the world prepared because I have this phone....oh wait.....I don't work. I guess I will be organizing grocery lists, Lennon's schedule, doctor's appts, recipes..oh yeah! High handed technology brought down a notch to suit the needs of a housewife.
Still figuring the whole thing out, Verizon offered me a class to learn..I scoffed at him. Pshaw with your classes.. I got all day to figure this thing out. I may not have a job as a rocket scientist but it doesn't mean my brain doesn't function as well as one.

when slip and slide is hazardous

My friend Karen called me the other day excited to tell me she bought a slip and slide. My first reaction was laughter..followed with a reminder of just how large I am, especially in the chest department. It seems though she was sadistically bent on using this timeless water torture device regardless of our age and physical attributes.
Don't these little cherubs in this picture make it look so seamless, easy, and FUN! Perhaps because they only weigh few pounds each. Maybe because their bones are still soft and pliable. Maybe because their parents gave them some hooch before they began the treacherous game of slipping and sliding. (disclaimer: these are not my children, this is the box picture. My children would never be so small framed and petite)
I pulled into my driveway last night and Karen and Lennon greeted me excitedly in swim wear exclaiming that I just had to go change and play with them. I replied, "you are both smoking crack!" But, in the spirit of having fun I traipsed my butt inside and threw on my suit, knowing in the pit of my stomach I was heading for a disaster.
Mind you, my husband is not a big fan of cold water..so he just sat on the porch observing and offering "tips" to those of us who were foolish enough to do this. He cheered us on by yelling things like, "you need to get a good running start!" or "don't be afraid..do it on your back!" I looked at him sideways because he knew disaster was looming and he was excited to watch it unfold.
My son was a pro at it, he made it look seamless...run, flop and slide to the end. Till he stood up and his belly was as red as a turnip. (another indication that should have stopped me from going forth) He slid several times, he even slid down it on his knees! I was amazed and thought...well garsh, I can do this!
Cue Karen, she didn't get a running start but did a sweet little leap onto it and slid about three feet before coming to an abrupt halt. (another indicator I chose to disregard) I assumed it was because she didn't get enough speed. Regardless, we all laughed and she seemed ok!
My turn, It was almost like being in a real sport with Kendrick behind me cheering me on. So I had to do it, I was pumped, I was going to slip and slide all the way to the end by god. The distance between me and the slip and slide disappeared faster than I was ready for..I had no time to consider my form, no time to figure how to execute the perfect leap..I just did it.
Not only did I not slide more than a foot or two, the pain was immediate. It felt as if part of my right breast had ripped off and been left at the start...it felt like perhaps I cracked a rib as well. I laid there for a moment in the freezing cold shower of water in shock before I stood up holding my tender parts. I walked it off...whining..but trying to get my head back in the game when a thought struck me.

WE NEED DISH SOAP!!!!

Surely this was the answer to the problem! I could slide all day with a little lubrication and wouldn't that be fun? We loaded that slide up with half a bottle of soap. The bubbles were pretty, it looked inviting. Lennon went first and you would have thought someone strapped a rocket to his butt! Voila!! I am a genius! Off I go! I am executing the perfect landing, I am going to slide the whole length......except that once again I stick to the mat. The crunching and pulling of muscles were apparent.

This time I hobbled off to sit next to Kendrick. My days of slipping and sliding behind me..I retired from the game.

I woke up this morning with some bruised ribs and a very sore chest and arm........battle scars...all for the love of the game.