Men Are Not Our Puppets

Tsk Tsk, this post will probably piss off a few people. I'd say I care, but I don't. So no, you don't get a trigger warning for what I'm about to say.

Dear Women who treat men like they are mindless, ignorant, unfeeling, unaware, sexist, and my favorite, creatures who are here for us to manipulate...

You suck.

Let me rephrase.

You give us women who appreciate and embrace the differences between genders, a bad name.

Men and Women ARE NOT the same. Guess what? Science has proved that. We are hardwired differently, and that's OK. No, it's better than OK. It's what has kept the human species alive.

Yet, here I am. Surrounded by a sea of women that think that men, when they don't meet a woman's expectations, deserve subhuman treatment.

Did you read that correctly? Did you catch the part that talks about treating men like crap because they aren't behaving how you (I'm talking to you, women) think they should? I hope you did, cause that's what it comes down to. You get disappointed because a man's choices or behaviors don't match what you've magically created in your head for them. As a result of your disappointment, you resort to the far too familiar man bashing fall back.

Allow me, if you will, to give you some examples of this:

He doesn't love me the way I love him. He's a self absorbed and selfish man. I'll find someone who's smart enough to see my worth. (remind me again when loving someone became a matter of being a selfish person as opposed to a free emotional reaction to another person?)

He doesn't even notice when I'm upset. (Oh, that's right, men are mind readers and us women have zero responsibility for expressing our feelings through words in a way that might actually let a man know you are upset without the guessing game.)

He doesn't do anything around the house. (Let me guess. You do ALL of the work 100% of the time. Do you ask him to help out and then show him gratitude for the things he does? Do you remember that we, as humans, thrive on feeling that we are needed and worth something? Do you nag the shit out of your man and then wonder why he's isolated himself away..essentially giving up on you and the house?)

We live in this world of fantasy where we (as women) are taught that it is OK to resort to passive aggressive behavior when things don't go according to our plans. We are taught, on the whole, that everyone owes us something and if we don't get it, they are the failure. Even more, we have steered so far away from the actual science behind male and female emotions and behavior, that our perceived knowledge of the opposite sex is no longer based in reality.

Men are not what you see in media. Men are not the unrealistic perfect creatures that you dream about while you listen to your sweet love songs. Men are not here for the sole purpose of making you feel complete. Men are not malleable little balls of clay that are just waiting to be sculpted into a perfect figure of what you think you want.

They are not here to be trained by their significant others. You are not their leader. You are not a god.

Here's a quick antidote to all your love disappointment: Stop treating others like it is their responsibility to make your life complete. Stop expecting others to love you so hard, that they lose themselves. Stop expecting anything. You are the captain of your ship. You are soley responsible for where you take it.

Want to know something men find completely sexy and admirable in a woman? Someone who is independent enough to know how to create her own happiness. A woman who can appreciate the differences between men and women and embrace them rather than imply that they are neanderthals with very little brain capacity.

Is this post sexist? All I can say is this,

If the shoe fits, lace that thing up and run with it.

Fake It Till You Make It

I've been faced with situations this past year that have pushed me to my limits. Times when I've been so down, that I could literally go no lower. We've all had these moments in life, they are not unique to me, nor would I imply that they are.

There were times in that pit that I remember thinking I had to make a move. I had to do something to get back up and get out of the darkness. Even if, in some sick way, the darkness became comforting. I knew it was not living or for the living.

I had heard the phrase 'fake it till you make it'.. many times in my life. I never subscribed to that logic. How could one possibly fake happiness until it became a reality? But I knew I had to try anything to find a light again.

It started with me forcing myself to go places, even though inside, I hated the thought and it made me anxious to interact with new people. I knew I had to do it. So I put on a smile and I went. I met new people. I watched people. In the beginning, my interactions with them were surface at best. I was still a closed off room, but it served it's purpose. I eventually met people that I felt safe enough to open the door to a little bit. I talked through the gap. I kept them at a very safe distance from my heart. Down the road, I opened the door and let a few people in my head space. It was terrifying..but I knew I wanted to feel closer and they had proved that they deserved more than just a surface me.

I began to transcend into a new reality.

I was no longer faking it. I had made it.

I started to utilize this skill in many areas of my life. I knew that if I gave my intention to the universe, I would make it happen. And I did.

This is really just another form of resiliency. It's not dishonest. It's not a way to trick people. It is a tool that allowed me to push through the toughest moments in my time on this Earth.

Here's my reality. I am no different than any of you. There are days that are full of happiness, laughter, beauty, a sense of something tremendous. But, I also still have times where none of that matters in the moment because my sadness becomes so acute that it pushes the wonderful away.

But only for a time. Not forever. I don't stay there anymore. To stay there means dying inside. It means giving up. I'm not hardwired to give up. I can't.



*This is not a way to make people who are suicidal or clinically depressed, feel like less. I need to say that. There are circumstances where people need help to find their light again. That's OK! We are all dealt a different hand in life. You play yours how you need to to get the most out of this existence. This is just what has worked for me. *

Three Months

Charlie,

It's been three months since the last time I held your face in my hands and said, 'goodbye.'

Three months since I've heard you say my name. 

Three months since we said, "I love you."

Three, very long, very hard and painful months.

I'm sad right now. It comes in waves when I least expect it. Like a tsunami of grief that can't be contained, even when I try my best. It's consuming. It brings me to a place of sheer sorrow and the only way I climb out is by digging...again. 

And I fucking do it. I fucking dig my way out of that dark place, again and again. I have no other choice. 

Christ, it's tiring sometimes and I'm so thankful for the hand that sometimes reaches down and helps me climb out. 

The hands that you knew would. The people you gave to me that remind me, every single day, that I'm not alone in this. Your family. Your friends. The good ones. The angels that have swooped in and shielded me with an unspeakable love. 

In all of this, it's this blessing from you that reminds me to find light in all of the darkness that is the loss of you in this world. 

You knew I would need them. You knew they would come through. And they have, in more ways than you could have hoped for me. 

Maybe someday I will stop counting time. That is not this day. This day is still tremendously hard and I relive our last moments on this date, every month and more. 

I am alive. I am thriving. I am pushing myself in ways that you always encouraged me to. 

I just wish you were around still to smile at the beauty of it. Even if from a distance. 

I love you. I always will. I miss you. I always will. I've accepted this. And those that matter most, understand the whys and hows. 

I'm still floating here, in the waves..watching the moon wax and wane as time passes. 

What Musicians Don't Tell You

Everyone has that thing that touches them in a way that can evoke every emotion possible. I have never experienced something as powerful as music. It has been a part of my life, in some form, since I was born. It's a constant. No matter who comes and goes, music is a companion that has stayed by my side through everything. 

For most of you, as people who enjoy listening to music, you understand this thought process. But there are things that we musicians rarely talk about because it is such a profound experience for us. It is primal. It is beautiful and ugly at the same time. It is a constant work of art that we never really perfect but can still feel proud of. 

It is expression in its rawest form...and you, the listeners, get a glimpse of our very soul.

The process of writing music sometimes comes easily. There are pieces that fit together with ease. Then there are those pieces of music that we can work on for years, adding to them, changing them.. all variables that can shift on a moment to moment basis. Lifelong works that no one will ever hear. They are ours. We hold them near to our heart like an infant to it's mother's breast. We nurture them. Sometimes, we put them down for a bit because we need the space from the intensity. We look at them with love and frustration. 

When an artist is standing in front of you, you may feel the driving beat, the clarity in a voice, words that touch you in some way that's very relative to what you are experiencing in your life. What you see and feel and what we see and feel are very different.

We are baring ourselves to you. Each note, a part of a living and breathing thing that we are trusting you with in that moment. We are essentially saying, "here, hold my baby..the love of my life..and appreciate it as much as I do." And that's an impossibility, because no one can ever truly appreciate your own creation..but we try anyway, because it is our gift to the world. It is our part of a tightly woven fabric that is the universe in it's entirety. 

Music, to us, is as essential as breathing. Our bodies may not die from the lack of it, but our spirits will..and that is worse. Taking away our ability to create would render a musician powerless on so many levels that we would essentially lose a passion that fuels us to keep going. We would become hollow shells of our true selves. 

Live music is highly underappreciated. We see each performance as a chance to stand in front of others, naked, and hope that in some small way..we move you. There is a knowing that we may not reach people. We accept that as part of it. It is not a matter of wanting the satisfaction of hearing someone say, "YOU made me feel this way." It is a need. Performing for others is as much for us as it is for you. You hear a song...we hear each note and beat as it's own unique entity. 

We exist to express our inner most selves to the world in a way that is unmatched. There is no replacement or balm that soothes our soul more. 

Next time you have the opportunity to see a musician or musicians perform, remember these things. Not for our sake, but so you can truly immerse yourself in our world. There is beauty in knowing that a drummer's muscles are so perfectly sculpted that they can give you that driving beat, and that rhythm is also beating along with their heart. A guitarist's or bass guitarist's hands have honed their skill to a point of muscle memory, yet they are still trying to find new ways to push themselves into a different mode. A singer has poured over novels of words and has learned to use their voice as a way of conveying the deep meaning of them. Each note, bent and sustained to give them power.