Depression: From The Outside Looking In

I've battled depression..in fact, I dare say it's something I will always have to fight on some level. Depression and anxiety are like shadows that follow me around. Some days, the sun is bright and if I stand just right..they disappear below me. Other days, they follow me around and just like Peter Pan, I fail to catch them and pin them down.

For the first time in my life, I'm the one looking in on depression. I'm watching it's hold on someone I love dearly. In fact, I'm watching it's hold on two someones I love dearly. I'm watching it lie to them, deceive them, and slowly work them into that stranglehold of sadness.

And for the first time in my life, I realize, I can't fix this. I can't love it out of them. I can't hug it out of them. Nothing I say or do can make this go away. All I can do is hold their hand, as long as they let me, and make a promise that I'm here to anchor them in the light until they can pull themselves out of the darkness.

It's like watching a movie, except the actors are people that have a part of my heart.

I try to stay conscious of what it was like for me to be where they are. I try to remember that feeling of losing myself, of hating myself, of feeling guilty for being sad. Mostly, I remember what a scary scary place it is to be and that hope is but a light in the distance and you are clawing towards it...on the good days. On the bad days it's almost impossible to see that light and you curl up into yourself and those shadows cover you like a blanket and whisper terrible things in your ear.

"You're worthless. You're a burden on everyone that loves you. You are going crazy. Maybe you should make it stop. There are people that have it worse than you, you have no right to be sad. You don't deserve to be happy. You are a terrible person. Do you not see how death would end all of the noise in your head?"

The empathetic part of me cries for my loved ones. The patient part of me is gentle and understanding. Sometimes, the selfish part of me wants to scream because I miss them. I miss their smiles, their affections, the ease of just laughing with them, waking up and knowing what to expect will happen and finding comfort in the routine of them.

I have to remind myself that this.... this feeling of anger that depression is trying to steal another life...is nothing compared to the battle they are in. It's literally, nothing. The pain I feel for them is nothing compared to their own pain...and that is a slap in the face of reality.

But I continue to love. I continue to encourage and I wake up every day knowing that I have to put on that armor of love and I have to fight that good fight to keep their fingers wrapped tightly around mine until that blessed moment when I feel them squeeze back and they emerge back into the light.

Until you see that light, try to hear my words when you are able to.

I love you, with every fiber of my being.
You are worthy.
You are still that same beautiful being that I've always known.
I am here, and will be here, no matter what that takes.
You are not broken.
You are valuable to this world.

You have to hang on and not let go, even when your shadows tell you to...because soon, sooner than you know, those shadows will be under your feet and you will dance again.

A Love Letter To My Sister

I remember being in elementary school and getting asked to write about my hero. I would always draw a blank. At that time in my life, I was surrounded by dysfunction. All I knew was my small world and the family in it. Certainly, the word hero never came to mind when I thought of them. I've often thought of this question as time has gone by and I still couldn't answer it.

Then I met you.  

I was at a point in my life where I was simultaneously so sure and unsure of where I was going. All I knew was that you were there to help me fill that void of uncertainty with laughter and light. 

And you still do.

Boy, have we evolved as humans since that time. With that growth, our relationship has blossomed into something that some people can only dream of having. 

You are laughter when all I can seem to find are tears. You are that swift kick in the ass when I need it. You are a sedative when my thoughts spiral out of control and I feel like I'm going to implode in on myself. You are a balm when I feel wounded. I share some of the deepest parts of me with you and never worry that you will dishonor that for your own gain. 

I have never had a friend that will give me brutal honesty while still acknowledging my feelings as valid. Do you know how special that is to me? In a world of smoke and mirrors, you offer a realness that is hard to find. What makes this even more beautiful is that you trust me to do the same for you. Our relationship is the true meaning of give and take. 

These traits are only the tip of the iceberg of what makes you who you are.

You are forever giving of yourself to others, even when you have so much weight to carry on your own shoulders. 

I've watched you grow from being this young woman fresh out of high school to a matriarch of her own domain. You have brought two smart and beautiful spirits into this world. I see parts of you in their own personalities and I think to myself, they will go far. You are unwavering in your dedication to being the best mom you can be....even when it's hard. You constantly evaluate how you are serving them and adjust to serve even more.

I know you are tired. I know there are days where your very body aches from the responsibility you carry. There are days when you feel so close to just clawing at your own face because you've reached your limit....and yet.... you keep going. Somehow, you keep finding that last vestige of strength to keep going until the day is done.

Yes, you are blessed beyond measure, but don't think for a minute that knowing that lessens the validity of those moments where you feel like you have given all there is to give.

Sometimes, when you become a parent, you feel like an afterthought to others. Everyone asks how your babies are. People notice them first. They judge you based on what they see in them. I just want you to know that I aim to not do that. You are first and foremost, Katherine. That bright and shining individual who makes this world a better place by just being in it. 

You are a hero. Not only to those two precious children who call you mama, but to me. You are everything that you sometimes don't believe yourself to be capable of being. 

I love you, Katherine. My respect and gratitude for you are unfathomable. Always remember that when you are having a hard time remembering all the great parts of who you are, I am but a heartbeat away, waiting to remind you.

Things I learned From Jurassic World

Those who know me are aware of my ridiculous lack of attention span for movies. It drives my husband crazy that I don't become invested in them...even the good ones. Case in point, I am a huge Harry Potter fan (the books more than the movies...but Harry Potter junkies know what I mean when I say we will take any HP material that comes our way) but walked right out of the premier of one of the movies. It was a hot day, the air conditioning in the theater was broken, and I just don't care enough about ANY movie to sit shoulder to shoulder with strangers while they perspire on me. Not even a little bit.

The other day, I sat through Jurassic World. Thankfully I also had delicious food in front of me to help me stay rooted in my chair. (Don't judge me...with a family as large as ours, take out is a commodity) 

Side note: I just realize how much I go off on tangents. Seriously brain, slow the hell down and stop telling me that I need to vomit every word and thought ever right onto my blog all at once.

Carrying on.

This movie was, to put it nicely, a cheesetastic piece of unbelievable garbage. Yeah yeah, I get it, suspend disbelief, Terralyn. NO. I will stay grounded in reality where I know for a fact that I could never run... through a jungle...chased by dinosaurs... in high heels...for an entire day. I can't run on a good day, let alone in heels. I'd be the girl ripping those shoes off and getting stabby with them.

Here is a top five things I learned from this movie:

1. In the event that you are being chased by a dinosaur, soak yourself in gasoline to mask your human scent. 

Really? Yes, let's douse ourselves in a flammable liquid that will not only make you a human torch at any given moment but will also give you chemical burns. Ever tried to walk comfortably with chub rub? You know..when your fat thighs rub together so much it creates a rash. Maybe you don't know that life, but I do. It sucks. There is no way in hell that dumping a noxious chemical all over your body could make it possible to run. You'd be crying for a medic within two minutes.

2. Blazers, propped ever so delicately over the shoulders, will stay on indefinitely. 

First of all, who the hell wears a blazer in the jungle? Secondly, I've never understood the concept of draping a jacket over my shoulders. Put that shit on or take it off. The whole time you are wearing that, I'm secretly watching and waiting for it to fall off only for you to readjust it again. See those two things called arms? Put them in the damn sleeves and wear a coat like the good lord intended...otherwise wear a cape. Just own your desire to feel like a superhero and wear a damn cape. If coats were meant to be worn like that, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE ARMS. You aren't cute, you're a menace to society.

3. Imprinting apparently works on all species.

You know what this means? As soon as I start a go fund me page (cause apparently you can do that for any reason under the sun) and raise enough money, I'm buying myself a pack of cute baby hippos. You know, one of the deadliest animals in the world. I'm doing it. I'm gonna raise those water pigs from infancy and they will become my friends for life. I will ride them down the road and everyone that knows me will say, "That Terralyn, she knows how science works. She has her own pack of majestic hippos....sigh...I wish I could be like her." 

4. Leaving your children all alone in a park full of predators with foot long teeth is just fine.

Please don't ask me to watch your children. Jurassic World taught me that I can let your children wander off into a zoo with all sorts of animals just waiting to taste your flesh, and that they will be just fine in the end. It doesn't matter if kids are curious and do stupid things because they have no impulse control. It doesn't matter that trouble seems to find them. It doesn't matter that their brain says, "hey kid, stick your hand into that lion's cage and pet them. Don't they look soft?" It's fine. We need to lay off the reins and stop being helicopter parents. The next time I hear you tell your child 'no' when they ask to wander off into a jungle alone, I'm going to judge you so hard.

5. If you are a woman in peril, your clothes will artfully tear and stay stain free. Your hair will remain adorably coiffed and your makeup will still look fabulous. Also, heels never break.

HOLY SHIT people! As if women don't have to live up to absurd beauty standards as it is?! Now I have to feel bad if I'm being chased by dinosaurs and my eyeliner melts in the heat of the moment? What's that? I will still be thinking about making out with a capable man while I'm surrounded by flying killers? Let's be honest. I have really big boobs. My shirts often double as a napkin for shit that flies out of my mouth (no matter how careful I am) and lands right on my boobs. If I can't make it through one meal without destroying my clothing, how do you expect me to make it through a dinosaur chase where I'm running for my life? The actress pulled it off. Me? At the end of the day, I would be lucky if I still had one sock left. Every tried to run through the brambles of a jungle? Me either, but I imagine it feels like trying to escape a prison surrounded by razor wire. Your clothes aren't going to remain intact...and likely you wont either.

This is part of why movies are hard for me. I'm judgy. I am so so judgy when it comes to visual media. I am that person that screams at the helpless female on screen, running towards a killer because she apparently has lost her ability to tell where her body is at in space and time and can't see his huge figure walking slowly with a glinting knife raised in the air.

I should just stick to books.

The Art Of Getting A Baby To Sleep..

I fooled you by the title. It made it seem as though I was going to give you sound advice to get a baby to sleep. Here's the thing, I can't help you much...because when it comes to nap time, babies turn into politicians who will bargain and argue any way they can, just to fight sleep.

I'm getting the chance to relive all those wonderful moments with our grandson. My daughter is almost 19 years old, so I had forgotten (or buried in my sub-conscience) how fun (read: challenging) nap time can be at times. Our little one has brought it all back for me. (and I wouldn't change any of it for the world)

Step one: Know your child's prerequisites for nap time. (subject to change every day or every minute)
Soft blanket, white noise, dim lighting, rhythmic patting of his back, boobs to lay on, soft rubbing of his face and hair, a constant "shh shh" sound, and also...patience.

Step two: Get into the position. (subject to change every day or every minute)
Gently coax your baby to lay their head down so they can snap it back up and look at you like you have gone mad.
Position them on your chest and cover them up with a comfy blanket- repeat this step up to a hundred times.
Re-position them because you are crazy enough to think that this will make a huge difference. It does not.

Step three- I've got rhythm, I've got music...
Holy crap!! Your baby has laid their head down and they are rubbing their eyes! Time to act fast! Start slowly bouncing them and patting their back, taking care to not break your rhythm. One off beat could potentially lead to the child bucking against you to show their displeasure. If you are lucky, they will allow you a second chance. If you are unlucky, you are starting back at step two.

Step four- It's all about coordination and multitasking.
You've got the gentle patting, the baby is in position.... now you must add the "shushing." Not too loud, not too quiet, and definitely rhythmic. Do NOT blow out air on the child's face whilst shushing. They will squint and then pull away from you like you just smacked them with a pair of dueling gloves, and once again, you will have to start back at step two.

Step five- The eye droop.
You're nearly there!! You're baby's eyes are getting heavy. Their breathing is becoming more rhythmic. Their muscles and body are starting to slacken. Don't stop now! I don't care how tired your arm is from patting and bouncing. I don't care if you feel like you are going to hyperventilate from the constant blowing of air from shushing. Your back hurts? You will appreciate that pain once baby is asleep! DON'T GIVE UP!!!

Step six- Oh shit
Your child has suddenly snapped out of their sweet little siesta. There is no reason. I can give you no logical reason why this occurs, other than it's probably some act of karma from when you've done something wrong years ago. The sweet little sleepy baby has now popped their head up and pushed away from you and has started laughing and bouncing. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS! They are still tired, they are trying to trick you...because babies are good at tricking us. How many times have you bent over and retrieved a toy they've thrown onto the floor? They've got us just where they want us.

Step seven- Reasoning
Start using phrases like, "Shhh, it's sleep time." "We can play later, now it's time to rest." "Please stop pulling on my lip, we need to be gentle." "Please don't use my boobs as your personal drum set. It hurts when you slap them like you are the lead drummer from a heavy metal band."

Repeat steps two through five. Sorry, that's the ugly truth. Your gonna do this as many times as it takes, because let's face it, you need some down time as much as your tired child needs to sleep.

Step eight- Relocation
Holy crap on a cracker, you did it!! Baby is sleeping. Their jaw is slack. Their little eyelids are twitching in REM sleep. Take a moment to look at them and think about how sweet and cuddly and cute they are while they are asleep...because you've already forgotten your frustration with repeating the previous steps. They are asleep, life is perfect and so are they.
It's time to lay them down now. Slowly, slowly... peel them away from your body (they turn into little fruit roll ups, stuck to a sheet of plastic) and lay them down. Back away slowly. Practice has taught you to know every squeaky floor board in your house, make sure to jump over them softly.

Step nine- Wait it out
This is the moment when life stands still. Will they stay asleep? Will they suddenly wake themselves up and raise their eyebrows at you as if to say, "GOTCHA SUCKA!!!!" Only time will tell.

In the event of the latter, start back at step two. Sorry!!

In the event that they are indeed, truly, deeply, wonderfully, amazingly asleep.. REJOICE!!!!! You only have to do this two or three more times today!

Our Anxious Youth

As a person who has been to hell and back with anxiety, I know how soul crushing and disruptive anxiety can be to our everyday lives. If you have children, teens or young adults, you may have, like me, noticed an upward trend in anxiety at a younger age. It's something that I've experienced with my daughter..and sadly, many of her friends.

I just want to take some time to hypothesize why we are seeing a surge in anxiousness in young people. This post is not meant to condemn anyone. I just think that as older adults, we easily forget that the lives you and I had are VASTLY different from the lives that our kids live in today's society. So keep an open mind, look past your own experiences, and try to visualize yourself as a young person trying to survive in our current society.

1. Politics have removed and downplayed the need for expression through creativity.
    Ask any student or teacher. There is little to no room for expression through art, music, and movement.
    Legislation has seen fit to remove these fundamental components of learning and expressing from our      
    children's schools. There are many kids for whom learning does not come easily. Taking away creative
    expression has left our children with no outlet in which they feel they are confident.

2. We expect our kids to grow up too fast.
    Before our kids are even capable of understanding the full weight of "the future" , we are pushing them to think about college, work, and what they want to do with their lives. I can recall a therapist telling my daughter, at the age of 13, that she had to come up with a plan for her future. As a parent, it broke my heart to see the anxiety it caused her. I reminded her that she only needed to think about today, that worrying about the future only causes more anxiety. The relief on her face was noticeable.  Why, as adults, do we feel the need to pressure our children to grow up so fast?

3. We push our kids away when they aren't ready.
This has not, and will not happen in my home. This trend of taking an 18 year old straight from graduating high school and expecting them to immediately start making life changing choices, moves, and plans is too much. We spend all of their young lives teaching them to be patient and then tell them that you expect them to make drastic changes all at once. This is a contradiction that I can not understand. Imagine how you would feel if you knew you were being forced to leave your comfort, your home, your safety net...with no transition. Allow your kids time to explore life without the stresses and confines that school places on them. Let them blossom a little bit, preen their wings, glide before expecting them to fly.

4. We have become UNparents.
Technology and living in a fast paced society has made some parents lethargic about doing the most important work that they CHOSE to do. Parent. We, as a society, have become so ingrained in our own neglectful behavior when it comes to parenting or giving our youth the attention and guidance they really need. This is not a slam on working parents, not at all. This is about what we choose to do with the time we have with our kids. Are we having meaningful interactions with them? Do your kids know that they come first before your work, your computer, your friends? Essentially, we have a generation of young people who are raising themselves and parents who do not interact but REACT when something goes wrong. Instead of gently guiding in a very interactive way, we are leaving kids to their own devices and then responding to the outcome of that.

5. We don't really know our kids.
Sure, you may know your child's habits, likes and dislikes..but do you know the heart of your child? Do you know their fears, their hopes, what makes them really tick? Do you know why your child may seem sad at the dinner table? Do you know why they are smiling more today? Are you trying to place yourself in your child's shoes and understand them on a deeper level? Are you asking them to share these deep feelings with you and then negating that tremendous step by looking at your phone, working around the house during your conversation, or interjecting about your own life? Do you sit down with your child, often, and really just listen to what they are saying and what they aren't saying? If you have more than one child, do you make individual time for each of them  so that they know they are as important to you as their siblings are?

6. Our kids are taught that they are inferior and should be submissive.
We need to remember that our kids are surrounded by adults. Everyday made to feel inferior because of their age. You, if you work, will typically have one or two supervisors. Children have parents, teachers, coaches, and many more people that are their "bosses". When you think about the level of stress that places on a child, you will understand why this is huge. At any moment, one mistake could cause a domino effect where several of the "bosses" in their lives come down on them all at once. I'm not asking you to teach your children to disrespect adults. I'm asking you to see if from their perspective and understand how many times in a day their anxiety must peak from trying to meet the standards of the adults in their lives. It is important to parent from a place of love and understanding. If one adult has given a consequence, make sure your child responds appropriately and then encourage them to do better. Simply heaping more and more consequences if overwhelming and leaves a child powerless.

7. We do not take our kids seriously.
Anxious? How could a child or young adult be anxious? They must not understand how "easy" they have it. Life was much harder when I was a child. They have no idea what anxiety really is. It's a catch phrase.
STOP.
First of all, stop comparing your life and hardships to your child's life. If they perceive something as a threat to their emotional wellness, listen. Listen with all your senses. Praise them for trusting their gut. Do NOT lessen their experiences by belittling them or their experiences.
Remember that your child's life experiences are limited when compared to an adults. Therefor, what they see as scary...may not be scary to you, because you've already gone through it. Simply telling them they have nothing to worry about will not ease their fears. Do what you can to help them work through it, step by step, so that you can empower them to also move past it and put it aside as a chapter in their life that they got through!

8. We've killed the child friendly environment.
When we were younger, we would ride bikes and disappear for hours at a time because it was safer to do so. We had parks everywhere. We had friends with parents who knew our parents. We had a level of freedom that is not afforded today's youth. This has happened for many reasons. Regardless of why, it is important to replicate those scenarios for our kids. If you live in an unsafe neighborhood, you need to figure out a way to get your kids outside and active. You need to involve them, not in more and more activities where there is still tons of structure and rules, but with other kids, in an environment where they can be kids. Video games, computers, and cell phones will never teach your children how to social network, how to play, how running around and being crazy and silly can reduce their stress levels. Instead of planning for more dance, theater, sports, and other structured activities.. give your child plenty of time to be free to be a kid. Be loud. Be silly. This is JUST as important as any book learning.

9. We've stopped holding our children.
At 18 years old, my daughter will still look for my physical comfort when she is sad or anxious. Our society has placed taboos on physical closeness with our kids. Breastfeeding is controversial and sexualized. Holding your child and snuggling with them past a certain age is looked at as coddling. We need to break down these social constructs and remember that physical closeness is healing. It is no different than hugging a partner or a spouse when you are sad. Just because our children are past the age of sitting on our laps, doesn't mean they don't crave your arms around them for comfort.

In all things, be gentle. Life is harsh. Our children need to know that you can be a soft place to land. Whether you are a parent, an aunt or uncle, grandparent, or mentor. If a child reaches out to you, it's a compliment and sign that they trust you. Cherish that.

Yours, Mine, Ours...And Everyone Else's Too

I thought I would be going through empty nest syndrome. My children seemed so eager to leave after graduating, and one of them did...for a couple of months...for a few days at time...she came home on the weekends.... what I'm saying here is my nest is NOT empty. In fact, the amount of people have multiplied, including an almost five month old baby. (I am so not complaining)

For those of you that have ever considered communal type living, let me just give you a warning about the not so pretty aspects of it. Here is a list of not so glamorous things about living in a smallish house with lots of people.

I was never good at dancing. That is, until I had to learn to deal with one and a half bathrooms with a large family. I'm getting older. I've had a baby. I've had a hysterectomy. My bladder waits for no one, especially first thing in the morning. When these kids were in school, I had to nearly pry them from their slumber to get them up and going. Now it seems as though they are mainlining cocaine all night long. It doesn't matter if I wake up at seven in the morning or one in the afternoon, someone is in there showering, shaving, peeing, pooping...you name it. When I have to pee, someone is in there doing something. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I've lost what little modesty I had left and have resorted to using the bathroom while they are showering. I'm sure my almost twenty year old son loves that.

You wanted clean underwear? Should have planned that out a week in advance. Chances of getting your clothes in the washing machine at any given time are as slim as getting in the bathroom when you need to. We had a wedding to attend last week and you would have thought that it was announced that there would be no washing machine EVER AGAIN. The run on the basement made me consider wearing footie pajamas to the wedding.

Forget retirement. Any possible savings you may have accrued are going right to the gas and electric company. The washer, dryer, and hot water heater do NOT run on wishes and hopes...much to my dismay. Just last week we had a family meeting about how to cut down on our usage. The kids (young adults) just looked at me with glazed over eyes. It was like I was speaking a different language. "Last month's bill was $1000. We need to do something about this." What they heard, "blah blah blah blah." At least they had the heart to nod agreeably.

That warm cozy bath you just took is going to be ruined when you step out of the tub, reach for your towel, and wrap the dripping wet mess around you. NOTHING is sacred. We've bought every person in this house their own color coded towels. We've threatened their lives and told them to only use their towels. Here's a little factoid for you.. there are people in this world that don't care if they are using something that has touched your private areas....and they all seem to live with me. Pro tip, hide YOUR towels. Just do it.

I remember a time when I worried that my angsty teens would never come out of their room. I'd find them curled up under blankets, in the dark, listening to music that evoked emotions akin to those you get at funerals. Don't you worry!! One day those kids are going to decide that evil lives in every shadowy spot in the house and they will leave every light on to repel those demons. 

This. I will never, NEVER, understand why this is so freaking hard! Could someone please, for the love of all that is holy, explain to me why this is so hard?! One day, you will find me curled up in a corner, mumbling and pulling my eyelashes out..and this will be why.

Young people are struck blind at some point. Don't you worry. They can see all the beautiful and wonderful things in life. It only effects the part of their sight that is dedicated to identifying a mess. I don't know how it happens. I've asked the optometrist if there was a special prescription lens to help them out, he just asked me to leave his office and threatened to call security. Number one rule in a houseful? NO ONE made that mess. Magical things happen and messes just appear.

Remember when you used to go out, hang out with friends, enjoy parties? Being surrounded by other people twenty four hours a day will turn you into a hermit. You will start thinking about the prospect of towing a broken down car to your back yard to make it a space to be alone in. You will recall the days of your youth when you had forts and start thinking about climbing the tree in your yard...and never coming out. The thought of social events makes my heart skip beats and my palms sweat. Just what I need, more people to be around. You know what I need? A dry towel and a cave.

Yes, I sound sarcastic and cynical. Do I love my family? Yes! Is everything I said, true? Sure is. So when you look at my home and think, "awww it's so sweet how they live" just remember I warned you. It takes a mighty big sense of humor to live through it.

I'm serious about the toilet paper thing though. It will eventually make me insane.

Young Adult Me Vs. Middle Age Me: How Time Changes A Person

Time does change us. There is no denying that. When I reflect back on my young adulthood, I often giggle to myself. I empathize with people who are just coming into their adult lives.. it's a time of great power and little experience in how to wield it. This is a top ten list comparing young me to the (shhh...almost) forty me.

1. Young Me: I have a voice. I am free to say whatever I want. I can swear loudly, yell at others, announce my stance on every situation EVER.
Older me: I have a voice. I use it when I see that my words are well thought out. I don't need to swear or yell, because people don't really hear me when I do that. I have personal opinions about many issues, but it's OK to not try to conform everyone to my beliefs.

2. Young Me: I am going to feel this way about something, forever. I can't believe people do this or that. Can't they see their mistakes???
Older me: I feel this way about something, right now.. but I know that experience and interactions with people can make me change my mind because I may see many sides to a situation instead of one. People make mistakes, so do I. It makes us better people..it's OK to let them work it out and learn from it.

3. Young Me: You hurt me, I am done with you.
Older me: I have hurt you, please give me a chance to fix that..and I will do the same for you when the shoe is on the other foot.

4. Young me: My childhood was terrible, my parent's choices will cause me pain forever.
Older me: My childhood was terrible, but I am not a child. I can choose to learn from those bad experiences and shape my future to be what I want.

5. Young me: People in a position of power only want to abuse it and me. I will fight the system any way I can.
Older me: Some people in a powerful position do abuse it, but it's not fair to judge a whole group of people based on their actions. Laws are often in place for a good reason. Not all of them! But some of them.

6. Young me: I use my words to complain about unfair laws, political events, and the absence of civil rights.
Older me: I use my voice, my hands, my feet, and everything else I can, to seek change. I am involved in my community. I vote. I give my time and finances to causes that I feel passionate about.

7. I laugh at or judge bad decisions that younger and older people make. I am at an enlightened age.
Older me: We are unified in that we ALL make choices based on our life experiences. I may be able to see a better way to do something, but I realize that I learned best when I had to figure it out on my own. Perhaps, if that person asks for help, I will get the opportunity to do so.

8. Young me: I will do what makes me happy. I will behave in a way that I see fit.
Older me: Sometimes what I want does not benefit the people around me. I understand that there is a time for thinking about myself and a time for being selfless. Extremes of either one is not healthy.

9. Young me: I love receiving gifts, I think about THINGS more than I think about the moments I have with others.
Older me: Things are impermanent. Memories are forever. No material item has ever made me as satisfied as time spent with another person. Giving makes me happier than receiving....always.

10. Young me: I feel immortal. I have so much time left.
Older me: Every second is a gift. I must honor each day I have with those I love, because I am not promised another.

Hopefully, I will have the opportunity to revisit this in another decade. This was not a bragging post or a shaming young people post. It was a post to reflect on how much life changes as we grow.

Suicide, Why It's Not Your Place To Judge.

This is not a fun thing to talk about.

Robin William's death has left people reeling. One glance at the media, social and otherwise, leaves one with images of a man that made so many laugh. It is tragic. There is no denying that. Losing a precious soul is always tragic, whether it be from natural causes, an accident, or suicide. 

Suicide brings up so many questions for those left behind. Why? How did I not know? Could I have stopped them? These questions are normal. It is absolutely normal to question your role when someone takes their life. It is a normal part of grieving the loss of someone you loved. 

What is not OK is judging the person who took their life or the family and friends that were part of their life. 

I have seen posts about how Robin Williams' family should have done something to stop him. How it was a waste of life and talent. That it is wrong. That suicide is not a solution to a temporary problem. Depression medication is to blame. I feel compelled to shed some light on these types of judgments. I am not asking you to agree with me, I am merely asking you to open your minds to what it's like to have depression. 

Imagine yourself in a dark tunnel on a train that is moving so fast that everything outside of it is a blur. Every now and then you see the train hitting your loved ones, hurting them. Now imagine yourself laying on the floor of that train. Every inch of your body is tired and hurts. You can see the lever for the brake out of arms reach, but your body does not have the strength left to pull it. 

When a person is truly, clinically depressed..this is their existence. 

One day after another of feeling like they are hurting those around them. The guilt is unimaginable. There is no question of how the world is a better place because they are in it. They feel like a freight train who is taking out everyone in their path. They are not pretending to be martyrs. To them, ending their life is an act of love and sacrifice to stop their own issues from hurting others. I am not demeaning the impact of a suicide on those left behind. Not for a minute. Their pain and loss is tremendous and sad. I am only asking you to look through the eyes of someone who is considering taking their life. These are thoughts that they struggle with every day.

Add to that the feeling that they no longer have the strength to live with their own pain. This is not weakness. Quite the opposite. People who live with serious depression are some of the strongest people I've met. Their battle is not one that is external, something they can escape from. It is internal. Ever present. They are waging war against their own thoughts and feelings on a minute to minute basis. Add to that the physical symptoms of depression. Your body hurts from head to toe. It is like you are being beaten by an outside force, every day. 

For those who say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, I ask you to learn about the pervasiveness of mental illness. Sometimes their is no solution. Sometimes, someone can get a glimpse of light and find strength to keep going. For others, they never see that light. Existence becomes one of survival, never really living life...just getting through another day.

I am not condoning suicide, or asking you to condone suicide. It is not our decision to judge. It is not our place to tell a person that they are a waste, or that they are bad because they don't want to suffer and they don't want their loved ones to suffer. 

It is important to honor a person's life, not judge their death. There is so much more to a person that that single moment when their life is suddenly over. Find the beauty they brought into the world. Thank them for that. 

I am asking you to put aside your own feelings for a moment and to acknowledge a person's pain for what it is. 

Empathy. That is all I am asking of you. 

Balding, Diapers, and Karma

Disclaimer: You are about to read some real life, gritty, TMI kinda stuff. Turn away now if it offends you.

This is not a rant about aging. I appreciate the fact that I am still alive and kicking. Maybe not kicking so much as dragging one leg behind me while flailing the other...but I digress. Seriously, as much as I joke about getting older, Kendrick and I still laugh about it.

Kendrick has been on a kick about growing his hair out "one last time." He started balding several years ago, and a day hasn't gone by that he hasn't pointed it out in one way or another. ( and men say women are vain) He spent most of last year with a shaved head, claiming that he had given up the fight. At some point this summer he decided to give it one more chance. His obsession with the balding became even more prevalent. Every day asking, "should I just shave it off again? Does it look ridiculous?" To which I replied, "grow it out a bit longer, maybe the thicker parts will cover the thinner parts as it gets longer." Also, "you're driving me freaking crazy with this" may have come out of my mouth a time or two.

Tonight...

I think I sealed the deal when I was running my hands through his hair and I noticed a new balding spot in the back. Maybe it was the audible gasp. Maybe it was the fact that I kept leafing through the same spot like I was looking for lice. I tipped him off though, and when he asked what I was looking at... I told him the truth.

One would have thought that I had just announced that his back hair was on fire. He jumped up so fast that I was thrown backwards. "Take a picture of it..right now!!!" So I did. With Flash. I decided that the flash made it look worse than it was so I took another without it. "That's it! I'm shaving my head!! How could you let me walk around like this?!" As if I was to blame for his hair falling out faster than a tree loses leaves in the fall? "I don't know.." I said. "This is the first I've seen it."

I may have been laughing at his reaction.

"Take a picture of the front, I want to see it for what it is!"
"Ok, ok...hold on..let me just turn the flash off.."
"DO NOT turn the flash off! Just take the damn picture!!"
"Okay, if that's what you really want. I'm just saying, it looks worse that way."
(staring at me with disbelief on his face) He calmly says, "Just. take. the. picture."

I held my camera to my chest with a death grip. I knew he was going to blow his lid. (and what hair remained)

"Show me the picture."
I may or may not have been laughing hard. I show him the picture.
For some sick reason, the look on his face made me lose it. Here I am, showing my husband that his hair is falling out. A sign that he's aging...and I start laughing so hard I choke.


Karma is a bitch sometimes.


I peed myself.

A year after my hysterectomy, my bladder fell. All the sinew and organ that held it into place all of my life was gone. Leaving my bladder in a sad, droopy state of affairs. So yes, I have spent years doing kegals and pelvic floor exercises, but my bladder is floating around in there just bouncing off of other things. It's not supposed to do that. It needs support. (kind of like my increasingly saggy boobs)

I remember a time when laughing didn't raise the red flag of "get yer diaper on, you're in for a wet ride." Any woman who has given birth to a big baby or has had a traumatic birth, knows that things just aren't always right after it. A sudden cough may cause you to squeeze your legs together in hopes that you can keep from dripping. Yes, I said dripping. It's not a pretty thing. It's real life.


So there we are. Him lamenting his hair loss and me peeing myself. Growing old together doesn't get much more real than that.

He's shaving his head as I write this. No more to worry about what his hair looks like.

And I solemnly swear to not sit on anyone's lap while laughing.

Eighteen Years

Eighteen years ago at this time, I was in a hospital. being told to rest up to prepare for your impending arrival. There was no sleep to be had. I remember staring at my stomach, my hand rubbing your safe little nest, begging you to arrive safely.

The moment you were born, tears sprang from my heart. Tears of joy and a love that I could never define if I tried to. That moment was the moment I learned what true love is. Unyielding, unconditional, perfect love.  I felt as though my heart could not be more full than it was at that moment. I was wrong. Every day since then, you've filled my heart more and more.

Eighteen years. You and I have been together for eighteen years. That's longer than any relationship I've had. It's longer than any job I've had. You, my sweet girl, are the only thing in my life that I've dedicated so much of myself to for this amount of time. Loving you is as easy as breathing.

Eighteen years. Saying this out loud brings on a plethora of emotions... but mostly, pride.

I'm proud that you've valued your own life enough to hang on, even during the hard times. The times that I held you while you poured your sadness out of your heart and into mine so we could share the burden. Proud that you not only know your true self, but wont waiver on that knowledge for any person who may try to make you question yourself. I'm proud of your heart. You are filled with a light that you shine brightly, especially for those that feel they are in the darkness.

Know this. No matter how many years you are alive, you will be my baby. I will always offer comfort and a lap to lay your head on when you feel the pressure of the world weighing on your heart. I will always try to meet you where you are, with an open mind that is willing to learn with you and from you.

I love you, Aria... more than I ever thought I was capable of loving another human being. I celebrate your life and every moment we have together. Thank you for letting me be your Mama.

Independence Day-Freeing Yourself From Facebook Negativity

There is something healing about de-cluttering your environment. At home, taking time to throw away useless items that are just taking up space and collecting dust, can make your home more relaxing and comfortable. In the office, cleaning your work space can make you a more productive person.

Facebook is no different. It is an environment that many of us choose to expose ourselves to on a daily basis. So why then, do we allow it to become cluttered with people who only seek to bring negativity into the world?

We all have hot buttons, prejudices, judgments, and topics that we feel driven to bring to light. There is no one that is immune to that, because we are human. That's what we do. It is in our very nature to want to be heard and acknowledged.

And that is OK as long as it is put forth in a way that is educational, meaningful, insightful, and is not demeaning or derogatory. There is no excuse for negativity, period. There is nothing OK about hurting/putting down people or groups of people to make your point.

It's also important to remember that we only see that individuals side of their point. When people post about the negativity in their life, we don't know the whole story..and to get involved is treading a slippery slope.

Sometimes, I am too empathetic. I worry about hurting feelings by blocking out the negative posts or people who post them. Why is this?  I would not invite this negativity into my home. I would not allow, for a minute, someone to speak in a prejudiced way in my home. I would not surround myself with people who choose to stand on the backs of others to make themselves look better. So why do I allow this on Facebook?

The fact is, we need to treat Facebook like it is a very real environment. Whether it's via social media or direct interaction, negativity breeds negativity. On many occasions, I have felt myself feeling angry at something I have read. Specifically with posts that are demeaning to a person or group of people. I need to block that. There is no reason that I should expose myself to that over and over again.

So on this Independence Day, I urge you to remember your right to make the choice to free yourself from drama, negativity, and anything else that you are allowing in to your head, heart, and space. I know I will be.

OCD- It's So Cool, Everyone Says They Have It.

It seems to be all the rage to say, "I have OCD." There are memes, songs, cartoons, and all manner of other things that show something being askew or off kilter and if it bothers you, BAM you have obsessive compulsive disorder.

The fact is, OCD can be debilitating for many people if it is untreated. Most people who are agoraphobic have untreated OCD. People who have severe anxiety that seems to have no obvious trigger..are in fact people who probably have OCD.

Sure, a disdain for things like imbalance, discordance, or chaos can be signs..but it runs much deeper than that. There are several categories of it that people tend to fall into. Because I'm willing to bare my brain for you, I will share my own experiences. Sometimes my obsessive thinking can cause anxiety, but for the most part, I've learned to accept it as part of life and laugh about just how messed up I am sometimes. So laugh along with me.

1. The Washers- the obsession with this type is contamination. People who struggle with this may spend hours a day scrubbing and washing their bodies and surfaces.

Living in an ever changing home with teens in and out, a husband who's a collector (I'm putting that nicely) and is always working on different projects, and pets is what finally made me stop obsessing over cleaning myself and my surroundings. Teens do things like hide dirty dishes in their rooms, spill things and then claim amnesia when you ask why they didn't clean it up, trash their bedroom two seconds after it's been cleaned. It was either learn to cope or go absolutely insane on a daily basis. I used to cry about it, now I walk through my house like a horse with blinders..

Side note: if you are sick, just stay away from me. That will help keep me from thinking about getting sick for the next three days after I've seen you. I'm not grossed out by you..but you are in fact contagious.

2. The Checkers- Checking things like locks or appliances. Checking and rechecking to make sure that they are safe. OR checking your body for symptoms of illness.

This was by far the worst of what I dealt with. I wasn't so concerned about the safety of my house as I was the fact that I was convinced I was dying of some terrible disease or illness. I used to check my blood pressure up to ten times a day until I made my husband hide the monitor. I used to check my legs for blood clots (I still struggle with this one) because every little ache meant that a clot had formed and was just waiting to dislodge and go to my lungs to kill me instantly. I looked like a person doing aerobics from the 80's, stopping often to make sure my heart rate was where it should be. I could go on and on with this. I used to be a mess about worrying and checking my physical body. A spider bite? Forget about it, that thing was going to fester and babies were going to erupt from my skin and kill me. I mean, really, can you say IRRATIONAL???

3. The Doubters and Sinners- Fearing that if you aren't perfect, didn't do something perfect, or weren't completely perfect from a religious viewpoint..that something terrible would happen.

I can thank my grandparents for instilling the fear of God into me. I remember laying in bed and praying for hours before falling asleep each night. Looking back I realize that at the age of 6 years old, I probably didn't know how to sin. Nevertheless, Satan was gonna come steal me away and I worried about it ALL the time. Now? No. I have to believe that if there is a God, that he is one of love and forgiveness. After all, he made me. I must make that dude laugh all the time. (or shake his head in wonder) I now save my prayers for those that need the positive energy. I pray in a meditative way to help calm me down when I am stressed. I certainly do not fear the guy with the horns and pitch fork coming after me.

4.  The Counters and Arrangers- Obsession with order and symmetry, Superstitions about numbers , colors, or arrangements.

I may struggle with this a little bit. But, come on! Symmetry is important! I think that laying on your back in a room and counting ceiling tiles is totally normal. Counting steps, the number of times you brush your teeth, the number of paper towels you are using, how many steps it is from my side of the bed to the bathroom (14, unless there are obstacles) is all normal! I don't get stressed about it, it's just a thing. Some people wash their body a certain way...I'm a great counter. Superstitions, no way. That's my husband. I let him worry about hats on beds, breaking mirrors, and knocking on wood. My brain has no room to worry about those things.

5. Hoarders- Fear that something bad will happen if you throw things away. Keeping garbage and other objects because you fear that you will need them, someday.

Hallelujah! I don't have any problems with this!! I would seriously let a bulldozer ( a small one) come through my house and get rid of all of the crap that everyone else has accumulated. PLEASE! Did you read number one? I can't clean around crap. Period. Very near me is a box labeled "electronic parts". It is my husbands. You tell me who has the problem with letting things go. Hint! It isn't me.

One symptom of OCD is intrusive thoughts. I used to get really scared of the thoughts I would have. They happen suddenly and without warning. To a person without OCD, these thoughts can seem insane. They are not, it's just an anxious over thinking brain trying to gain control of a situation that you subconsciously or consciously fear. Now I voice them out loud and my husband reassures me that although I am crazy and funny, I am harmless. Some of my recurring intrusive thoughts were:

"What if I just drive my car right off the bridge?"
"What if I punched my husband while he's asleep?"
" What if I pick that knife up and just cut myself with it? Or worse yet, cut someone else with it?"
" What if I have a heart attack in the bathtub and no one finds me for a long time?"

These are the types of thoughts that can really make a person with OCD believe they are unsafe, UNTIL that person learns that they are in fact probably the least likely person to do anything horrible or scary...their brain is just playing tricks on them.

Yes, OCD is something that happens. It can be debilitating for some people, and it used to be for me. My point is that it's not cool to say you have a problem with it. Maybe it bothers you that a letter is out of place, or there is one red skittle mixed in with the green skittles. That does not mean you have OCD. It means you are visually bothered by certain things.

Also, even though it's a pain right in the butt to deal with this.. you are usually more analytical and intelligent. So turn that frown upside down my friend, there's a positive to every negative.

(I keep reminding myself of that when I get the urge to clean the baseboards with a toothbrush.)

Divine Intervention

This is our boy, our son, our other pride and joy...Brandon.

I've never shared the story of how the universe blessed us with him.

Several years ago, Aria brought Brandon home after school. It wasn't too unlike most times that she had brought friends over except that this child was quiet, curled in on himself, and spoke with the quietest voice..only when we directly asked a question. He quickly became a regular visitor who still maintained the same shy demeanor and did everything possible to make himself as small and hidden as possible. I remember hearing Brandon and Aria laughing in another room and thinking that she had such a gentle way with him. She allowed him to be himself with no pressure and no judgement. Yet, as soon as he would see us or any other adult, he would go silent and quietly disappear into himself, again.

It was the day after New Years. It was snowing and below freezing outside at around ten pm. Aria was gone for the weekend and Kendrick and I were snuggled on the couch watching a movie..when we heard a faint knock on the door. Not hearing a car pull up we figured it was the wind blowing. Then we heard it again. There stood Brandon. Soaking wet, shivering, and looking terrified and sad. That was the night that he came into our home, never to leave again.

Brandon was a child of parents who had addiction issues. All of his life he was shipped from family member to family member. He was diagnosed as being on the Autism spectrum and was put on Social Security at a young age. His family pumped him full of pills that suppressed his personality in the attempt to make him silent. He saw many forms of abuse at the hands of his family, more than anything, emotional abuse. For a time, he lived with an aunt who belittled him and set him apart from her own kids and didn't hesitate to let him know that he was not HER kid. On holidays and birthdays, he watched his cousins and family open gifts and learned at a young age that he should feel lucky to just have a place to stay. One Christmas, he was given a pair of hedge clippers..because that's what they expected of him. He was to do the household chores, go to school, and stay silent.

After moving in with his Grandmother, it was much of the same treatment. His diagnosis continued to allow her to cash a check in his name. She had very strict rules and expectations for the jobs he was to perform in the home. Aria was not allowed to visit except for a couple of times, during which, his grandmother made it very clear that she was not welcome and she did not approve of their friendship. It seemed that Brandon's family wanted to isolate him from the outside world as much as possible. We can only speculate why.

The night Brandon showed up at our doorstep he was shaking in fear, hunger, and cold. He was late shoveling his grandmother's driveway. As punishment, he spent four days in his room with no contact from anyone, including his grandmother. She did not feed him. She turned off the internet..and made him sit alone.

Something in Brandon finally came to the surface, and he realized that he couldn't take it anymore. In his light sweatshirt and jeans, he slipped out of the house and walked to ours, hoping to be let in and be fed.

Divine intervention made sure we were home to receive him, warm him, feed him. For the first time since we had met him, he talked..and couldn't stop talking. He had been starved of human affection and attention and it showed.

Fast forward to now.

Brandon has become a young man who never ceases to amaze us. He is intelligent, so intelligent. Every person that has witnessed the change since he's been here is amazed, and says so. He is no longer that withdrawn and quiet boy. He is a young man who laughs, tells jokes, and walks taller with pride in himself.

 Two weeks ago I asked him how he felt about himself now. His answer, "I used to think that being autistic was a disability. Now I see that it just makes me a little different. And that's OK. I realized that I am capable of more than I ever thought. I know that the people in my life that treated me badly, did it because they had problems, not me. I know what it's like to have parents that love me more than my birth parents did, and that I deserve that, because I'm a good person that has something to offer the world."

And he's right. Oh so right.

Today he graduated from high school. His teachers and guidance counselor have worked endlessly with us to get to this point. This is the first year that Brandon passed all of his classes the whole year. He did so well, he was asked to co-teach a chemistry class. He inspired his science teacher so much, that he began to fight for Brandon's rights as an individual, not just someone with a diagnosis. Brandon has become so empowered. He speaks for himself at his IEP meetings. HE arranges the level of help he needs. One of the first things we did when he came to live with us was to stop Social Security and stop the onslaught of medical appointments. We wanted to show him that he had value...and that his value had nothing to do with money.

That's our Brandon. It's a story that makes me cry at the thought of it. His growth as a person is inspiring. We love him more and more every day.

Our wish for him is to continue to learn what a light he is in this world, that he is capable of more than anyone ever told him he was, and that he knows just how loved and lovable he really is.

What's In A Name

There are many things assigned to us at birth. Many of those things are not based on what your wants or feelings may be down the road. A parent takes that role for you. Sometimes this is OK. A person may feel a strong connection to their name after hearing it throughout their lifetime. Sometimes a person may feel it necessary to change their name to solidify their identity.

Especially in the case of trans* folk. Just like their gender was assigned to them, their name (usually associated with that gender) is assigned as well. This can be problematic. A name is important. It's something that shapes our identity.

My daughter changed her name several years ago. She did not feel her birth name aligned with her gender identity. At first, this was hard for me. I labored over a name for her the whole time I was pregnant. It meant so much to me. I called her that before I even held her in my arms...and yet, in a flash, that name was no longer suitable or wanted by her.

I grieved that. The night she told us that she had decided to change her name, I sat outside for hours crying. I felt like I was losing her in a way.

After a couple of hours contemplating this, I realized just how ridiculous this was. She was still my girl, my baby, my child. How selfish of me to assume that because I chose her name, that she would identify with it in a positive way.

She could have changed her name twenty times, and it wouldn't change who she was as a person.

This raises the question.. why do we (as a whole) feel it is a burden to change our thinking, our habits, and our behavior towards a person who finally understands what their identity really is? Should this not be a celebration?

What if we changed our thinking instead of asking a person to deny their true identity? "Congratulations, you are so sure of who you are! That's an amazing thing!!!"

And it is an amazing thing! Something that many of us take for granted. It is like being reborn, except this time, you absolutely know who you are!

To those of you going through this, I honor you. I hope you find the strength and joy to stand firm in your identity. It is truly worth being celebrated!

Choosing Happiness

This statement is so profound. I've thought on it many times and contemplated the depth of it.

The door, to me, means my life. Everything in it. My family, friends, my mind, my thoughts, my body, my  intentions.. the door is everything.

We are bombarded with negativity like we are civilians in a war torn country. It can come from all sides, unexpectedly and violently. It can come softly with just a whisper. Sometimes, it is an underlying and invisible entity that we are unaware of. Like cancer, it can eat away at us from the inside out without even knowing it's happening. Getting stuck in rut of negativity happens easily. You are going through life and before you know it you realize you are bogged down and your wheels are stuck.

If we are lucky, there are still those around us that will lend a hand. And that helps, temporarily. It is a band-aid for a deep gash. The only true way to sew up the gash or get your wheels back on solid ground is to change your thinking. It is a cycle of self perpetuated abuse that only you can stop.

"My life is hard." Everyone's life is hard. It's called life. It is inherently hard. It's like working out, the more you face the pain..the more you grow and become strong. Life is not about being easy, it's about weathering the hard stuff and building a better you!

"No matter what I do, I can't seem to be happy." Happiness is a state of mind, not a state of doing. It comes from within. You want your life to be filled with happiness? You must first find out how to be happy in a very deep way. Plant a seed of intention and foster it within yourself. If you find that negativity from outside sources is causing your beautiful flower of happiness to wither, then block out that negativity and shine your internal light on it. It HAS to come from within, not without.

"I am always broke." To me, this is one of the smallest reasons to allow yourself to feel negatively. I have been poor enough that I've had to ask for food. I've had enough money that I've been comfortable. Either way, I never gave it the power to take away my internal sense of happiness. I've seen rich people who are unhappy in life and poverty stricken people who light up with a joy that is contagious. Money is a thing..and things are not internal. They can only create a false sense of happiness.

"Everyone seems to hurt me." Life is a tide that ebbs and flows. People will come into your life and people will go out of your life. We are all part of one big ocean. It is a fact that there will be times in your life that a person will let you down, not live up to your expectations, or walk away. This is why it is so important to always hold on to our sense of self..and foster it. You can choose to rant and rave about the people you interact with, or you can see them as a gift for a time, until that time comes to an end. Just realize, that when the end comes, you are left with yourself. This is why it is important to know how to be happy inside. The rest is a bonus.

"I'm always sick or in pain." Apart from the fact that sometimes we are faced with illness or injury outside our realm of control, negative thinking can perpetuate illness and pain. Our bodies respond to it in a very real way and it will become problematic. Only you can fix that. You do have the power to heal pain and illness caused by negativity, all by yourself! That is amazing power!

As a whole, we've become OK with complaining. We accept it as part of life. I challenge you to become aware of your own state of negativity. Find the positive..focus on it. Rid your life of things and people that only contribute to negative space you are existing in. Make it a positive space..only leave room for more positive to come into it.

We are human. We are not perfect beings. This is life's work, but your life will be richer because of it.

Life Lessons By Proxy

Some of the hardest lessons in our lives are brought on by choices that other's have made affecting us. Although it's not always pleasant, there is always something to be learned by the experience.

 Some people may treat you as though you are disposable. You are anything but. You are beautifully and wonderfully made and worth oh so much.

Don't waste your precious life seeking acceptance or love from someone who has already decided they don't want that from you. There are many other people who do want that!

Drinking will not make your problems go away. There is no answer at the bottom of a bottle, there is only emptiness.

It is far easier to take the time to right what or who you have wronged rather than live forever with the guilt and sadness over your decisions.

You will feel sad, mad, content, restless, anxious and much more over the course of your life. None of these feelings last forever. It's good to remember that when you are in the midst of them.

You don't have to accept negativity from people. You can walk away and say, "I don't want that in my life.' It is OK and healthy.

It's healthy to take some time for yourself. If you don't take care of your needs, you will have less to offer others.

Some people will never understand you. Some people will never even try to understand you. Stay your course, only YOU have to understand you.

Kind words can resonate for years and years.

Negativity is born of poor self worth. If someone is putting you down, they have the problem, not you.

Sometimes our family aren't blood relatives. They are the people who stand by you and support you with no expectation to benefit from it.

If the first thing you think to say is negative, swallow it and try again. There is always something positive to focus on. ALWAYS.

Don't regret or resent the hard times in your life, you are strong because of them!

Never hesitate to tell others that you love them. Say it often. Hug often. Tell people what they mean to you, often. There is no promise of a tomorrow.

It's OK to get scared, but don't let your fear stop you from living a full life.

YOU have the power to change the negative patterns you may have been born into.You can stop them and teach younger generations a new way of thinking and living.

Whether or not you personally agree with what someone is saying, listen anyways. They may teach you something new.

Honor your elders. They have lived, seen, and experienced more than we have. Cherish them and your time with them.

A Glimpse Inside

Just a note: I'm not writing this to garner sympathy or attention. Sometimes I get asked to do things, sometimes people question me repeatedly, sometimes I feel like a big let down because I have to say I can't do things..normal things. Things that most people wouldn't even consider.
So I thought I would give you a glimpse into my world with Reflexive Sympathetic Dystrophy or as it's sometimes called, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.

First off, let me tell you what  happens to someone with RSD/CRPS.
 The key symptom is prolonged pain that may be constant and, in some people, extremely uncomfortable or severe. The pain may feel like a burning or “pins and needles” sensation, or as if someone is squeezing the affected limb. The pain may spread to include the entire arm or leg, even though the precipitating injury might have been only to a finger or toe. Pain can sometimes even travel to the opposite extremity. There is often increased sensitivity in the affected area, such that even light touch or contact is painful (called allodynia).

People with CRPS also experience constant or intermittent changes in temperature, skin color, and swelling of the affected limb. This is due to abnormal microcirculation caused by damage to the nerves controlling blood flow and temperature. An affected arm or leg may feel warmer or cooler compared to the opposite limb. The skin on the affected limb may change color, becoming blotchy, blue, purple, pale, or red.

Other common features of CRPS include:

• changes in skin texture on the affected area; it may appear shiny and thin
• abnormal sweating pattern in the affected area or surrounding areas
• changes in nail and hair growth patterns
• stiffness in affected joints
• problems coordinating muscle movement, with decreased ability to move the affected body part, and
• abnormal movement in the affected limb, most often fixed abnormal posture (called dystonia) but also tremors in or jerking of the affected limb.

These are just the basic symptoms..the list is actually very long and overwhelming, but I think you get the picture.

A typical day for me varies depending on my symptoms. Sometimes they are closely tied to the weather, temperature, overuse of my ankle and foot, shoes that don't fit just right, socks that are too tight or too loose, fever, other illness, lack of sleep...and many times, I have a flare up for no reason at all. My ankle and foot suddenly swell up to the point of not being able to fit a shoe on it and I just have to wait it out. As you can see, there is no consistency or pattern. This makes it hard because I can be having an OK day and then suddenly be bed ridden.

I have a saint of a husband who not only does a lot of the household chores, he puts my socks and shoes on, shaves my legs (because he knows the amount of pressure that will hurt the least on my bad leg), he goes grocery shopping, he works around my sleep or lack of sleep, he does EVERYTHING in his power to make sure I am in the least amount of pain possible by doing things that most people take for granted. More than anything, he holds me and lets me cry it out when I can't hold it in anymore..and he reminds me that maybe the next hour wont hurt so bad.

I have pain medication. I have very strong pain meds. The problem with depending on them is that I don't want to be an addict. They make me tired, lethargic, itchy, nauseous, constipated, and they cause me to have very painful gallbladder attacks when I use them as often as prescribed. They also precipitate anxiety attacks and bouts of sadness, because they are depressants. None of the pain medications I have tried have ever taken my pain away. They just made me care less about it because I was drugged up. I have been asked to do a trial surgery where they implant a device along my spine that will send confusing pulses to my brain to try to override the pain signals. Sounds perfect right? Who doesn't want to opt for a surgery on their spinal cord? Apart from the fear that causes me, people who have RSD are at a much higher risk of it spreading to other limbs when they are further injured. (like surgery) 

Sometimes, I feel like my life has become one great attempt to adapt. I have to use wheelchairs in stores or when I know I will need to walk for more than a few minutes. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is for me? I see elderly people walking on their own two feet and yet I am forced to use a wheelchair. And because my disability isn't always obvious to the naked eye, I feel judged. People can't see the pain I am in..they don't know what it's like to feel like someone has dumped lighter fluid all down your leg and set it on fire. They don't know that every step feels like a knife is coming up through my bone. 

I wouldn't want them to know that kind of pain. I just wish that people wouldn't assume that because I "look" normal, that I am just making it up. 

Sometimes I feel like I hold in my own feelings and pain to keep from drawing attention to myself. I'm a big girl. This week alone, I was invited to an event where I am supposed to receive and award for volunteering in the community, but I wont go because I don't want to go in my wheelchair. I was asked to a dance with friends, but I wont go..because it's not fun to watch everyone else move around like they are weightless and have people coaxing me to dance because they don't know that I just can't do it. For 4 years in a row, I've missed an annual celebration with friends because it's held in the woods..and I can't hike anymore. I can't drive long distances because it hurts to stay in one position, so road trips are really hard. I can't run around with my niece like I dream of. I can't completely relax around pets and kids because I have to guard my leg, because if they brush up against it might make me cry in pain. 

I don't know what my body will allow me to do until it's time to do it. I wont know if I will be too tired or need to sleep because RSD also attacks the limbic system, and that controls my sleeping patterns. Some nights I fall right asleep, and some nights I am awake all night...like tonight. Some nights I lay in bed and cry because I am in so much pain, and I know that my husband is asleep and I won't worry him with my tears. 

Writing this is not only cathartic for me, I'm having a very tearful night, but I just need to get it out there. I've been living with this for almost four years and I still feel like I am answering the same questions, I am still explaining why I can't do something, and I am still feeling resentful when someone asks me to do things that I feel are obvious that I can't do. I know that sounds selfish, and maybe it is, but I need to say it. 

Everyone always tells me I'm resilient and positive. And I like to think I am! Almost always. Having RSD is just one of those things that I haven't been able to be positive about. No matter how I try to look at it, I can't see anything but what it's cost me and my family. And I hate that. 

It's rained for three days, I am in pain and hoping for sunshine and warmth. That's my hope. I also hope that sharing this with you has helped you understand something about me that I don't share with most people. My weak side. 

One more thing, please ask me questions directly if you have them. I would rather just answer them then feel like you are speculating or guessing. The more you understand, the easier it is for me. 

Here are some resources if you want to read more:

http://www.rsds.org/education.html

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/reflex_sympathetic_dystrophy/detail_reflex_sympathetic_dystrophy.htm

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/