Soul Weary

I'm struggling with this. I wish I could point a finger at someone and pass the blame on.

But I can't, cause it is my fault entirely.

It's a cyclical problem caused by allowing myself to care too much, love too deeply, give more than I should. It's caused by having dreams and joy and a hope that someone, somewhere, can match my level of emotional investment in the awareness of the greater consciousness we all are a part of.. and that they would match their emotional investment in me, as much as I do them.

And it's ridiculous. It's a silly notion to believe that at the end of the day, people aren't going to choose to put their ego and wants before anything else. That's human nature, isn't it? We are all taught to do what feels good, sometimes despite other's feelings, and sometimes at the cost of other's feelings.

I'm not implying I'm more evolved, better, or more self aware than others. I am who I am, and you are who you are. We are not better or worse than one another. We are just different.

But, like seeks out like. Therein lies the problem.

When your heart is tender and empathic, it is easily bruised by the rigors of existence as a whole. It's like trying to fit a square peg in a circular hole. You can sometimes force it, but the end result causes a squeezing of the core of you. Instead of moving freely within the space, you become stuck.

I am stuck. I'm stuck in a world that is largely circular, and I'm the square peg.

And I'm tired. I am deep down tired. I am tired of finding myself here. I am tired of holding hope that others will want to be self aware. I am tired of the giving, the doing, the waiting for reciprocation.

I am responsible for my own happiness. This is what we are told. You can't rely on others to bring you joy. Yet, in the same breath, we are social creatures who are driven by instinct. That instinct is not solitude. Some of our basic needs are love and acceptance. How do we reconcile those two very different thought patterns?

I wish I knew. Some days are clearer than others. Some days, I can say, "forget what other's want.. I am doing what I want." Most days though, I am not built to do that. My compassion for my fellow man is too strong, and I become invested too much. I empty my own vat of energy and pour it into others... and I am left hollow.

Right now, today, I am tired. I am empty.

I feel like I have no more to give.

But I will. I always do.

Just not this day.