Free Falling

I'm a tightrope walker. We all are. Everything in life is a balancing act.

Except sometimes, there is no safety net. There is nothing and no one to catch you. Sometimes this is necessary for growth. Sometimes, it's self imposed independence. And then there are times when you realize that the people you counted on, just aren't there to hold your hand, catch you, hold you... all of the things that make relationships a two way street. Going further than that, sometimes you just stop caring if you fall.

I used to be scared of death, loss, and of failing in general. The great big void beneath my little tower of comfort was terrifying. I didn't step to the edge and look down at it. If I felt a strong breeze shake my foundation, I cowered and reached for something or someone that made me feel safe.

Then, without warning, everything that was my security, fell apart. Gone. In a moment my whole life was turned upside down, and I was left falling into that dark void with only my own will to stop the descent. I made it through... again and again.

But my tower of safety was smaller with every success. The distance between myself and that darkness, narrowed, never the same as it was. Reality and all that comes with it, made me acutely aware that I was not immune to hurt, heartache, death, loss... all of the scary things in life. I became AWARE.

As time goes on, my tower shrinks.

There are times when I walk to that edge and just stare down... hoping a strong wind will knock me off. There are times when I try to build my tower taller, and it feels like no matter how many stones I place on top of another, I will never get back to that place of ignorance. That place where life was pretty, hopeful, full of wonder at what could be.

I am merely surviving at times. Going through the motions as I am expected. I get lost in my head to the thoughts that devour my happiness... my hopefulness. Sometimes it scares me, but it's the times when I am not scared that I realize that I have become a product of life.

I am not implying that I don't feel or want happiness. I do. I want both, in great measure. The big truth is that happiness is fleeting. It is but a drop in a bucket of every emotion and event that makes up our existence. To think or believe that I could live in a place of constant joy, is farcical.

So, while I'm not actively hoping to fall.. I am okay with it. I am okay with that great big tumble back into the void that is discovery and death, all at once.

Because as I've said before,

I will always get back up.. until life decides to take my breath from my body.

There is no other option for me, as much as I sometimes wish there was.