Grief is being suffocated with love and concern from others when someone dies, and then shortly after, it is being told that you need to "let it go." Then it's feeling utterly alone because people think that grief has an expiration date. It doesn't. Your pain becomes a burden for others, and instead of admitting that they don't want to deal with you, they try to tell you that there is something wrong with you. Sometimes you wonder if something really is wrong with you...
Grief is moving on in many ways with your life and feeling guilty for doing so. As if it somehow implies they meant less than they did. Alternatively, it's also having small moments of being proud of yourself for how far you've come since the day they died.
Grief is feeling great one moment, and then sobbing the next. A small memory, song, or word is all it takes to turn you into a whimpering mess of a human. It's an endless roller coaster that you can't get off of. You just hold on white knuckled, hoping that around the bend it's level for a bit longer.
Grief is selfish. Even though there is someone else out there that has been in a similar position, this grief is yours. No one will ever truly feel how you feel. No one will ever understand your loss. It's wanting people to understand while at the same time being mad at anyone who says they do understand. How dare they? This is your grief. It will never be anyone else's.
Grief is a competition for some. It can be a pissing match of who loved that person more. In reality, no one can love someone the same as you. Each love and relationship is unique. Each person means something different to us.
Grief makes you hold hands with death. You spend a lifetime dreading the idea of dying, and then grief makes you wonder how much longer you can live with the pain it causes. One more day, one more day... you can do this, but it's also okay to not always want to.
Grief is isolating. It's being surrounded by people and still feeling like there is a barrier separating them from you. Sometimes you get lucky... and another soul will walk up to the glass and put their hand to it, a reflection of yours, and their eyes say, "me too." Nothing more, because no words are needed to define the line of connection. It just is.
Grief means not letting go of a material object because it was tied to the person you lost. Even the most useless items become treasures. You keep them because they are the only physically tangible thing that ties you to that person. Letting it them go would signify letting the person go.
Grief makes you question things like an afterlife or God. Ideals that you may have carried all your life can change because the thought of not seeing your loved one ever again is too hard to believe. It's a small hope that you will be reunited again... somehow.
Grief is being angry at the person for dying and then trying to forgive them for it.
Grief is understanding why they are gone.
Grief is being mad at yourself that they died and then trying to forgive yourself for it.
Grief is constant. Even when we have moments of sheer joy, it's waiting just under the surface. It is infinite.
Grief is trying to learn from everything that may have lead up to a death, as if putting the pieces of the puzzle together will make you okay. It doesn't, because puzzles are easily jumbled back up. History is the same way. Every person's perception changes how history is written.
Grief is wondering how different you would feel if you had been able to say goodbye. The space between the last time you saw them and the time they died is an abyss. Even if it was minutes, hours, days.... that space of time will now forever be remembered as the 'what if' time. What if I just did this? What if I had just said that? What if, what if, what if?
Grief is knowing what's logical and actual, but being unable to hold on to that logic for more than a few moments... because love is irrational, and that doesn't end because the person is gone.
Grief is not sleeping and being awake as the sun comes up to write something that brings no comfort. The act of trying to understand is like trying to hold sand in a sieve. You always have to face the emptiness of loss.
One more day. You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.
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