The word defensive is defined as this:
1. Used or intended to defend or protect
2. Very anxious to challenge or avoid criticism.
It is a feeling that is important on a primal level. We sense danger, our defenses take over to protect us. This is needed in very real, life threatening situations. When it is less ideal, or even dangerous to our well being, is when defensive behavior is a knee jerk reaction to others on an emotional level.
Why are some people defensive? This can be broken down into three main categories.
1. You are deeply invested in a moral or value and feel that someone is challenging that belief system.
2. Stress. Every emotion is elevated during times of stress. Defensiveness is no different. Stress causes us to
feel as though we are on high alert.
3. You have been deeply hurt in the past and defensiveness has become an automatic response to perceived
threats of emotional pain.
So why is this so bad?
A defensive nature stops effective communication in it's tracks. It is impossible to have a healthy dialogue when either party is approaching it in a defensive way. They have already perceived you as a threat, and therefore have effectively shut down any chance of hearing the true meaning or intent of your words. Being defensive on impulse can ruin relationships of many types.
Being on the defense robs us of our ability to have joy in the moment. When we fill our heads with negative expectations and thoughts, it steals the ability to be able to feel true happiness at any given time. The negative dialogue in our heads manifests itself in a way that puts us on edge. As you know, when you are anxious or on edge, it is hard to relax and be in the moment freely.
Probably the most invasive way defensiveness hurts us is it keeps the negative feelings of self and others on a constant loop. We can never reach the full potential of a relationship with others when we subconsciously view them as a threat. We can never feel good enough if we feel we are being judged or misunderstood in a negative way. Any chance of developing a good self worth is thwarted by the past behaviors of others that treated you in a way that made you feel inferior, dumb, worthless, or any other emotion that is the negative result of being mistreated.
How do we effectively change our thinking?
1. STOP- When you feel yourself getting offended, defensive, misunderstood... STOP yourself from
responding and take a moment to analyze whether or not you are acting on impulse or if the person is
truly trying to hurt you. After taking the time to think, respond appropriately.
2. Stop caring so much about how others perceive you.
This may seem impossible, but it isn't, I assure you. Start to look at yourself as the person you want others
to see, and they will see it. When you approach someone with a sour look, defensive body language, or
even defensive words.. you are sending the message that you can't be reached emotionally. Few people
want to interact with someone who responds negatively all the time or someone who has made them
feel as though you think of them as an enemy of sorts.
3. Stop living in the past hurt and treat people who care for you in a way that is not associated with dealing
with people who have hurt you. It is unfair to anyone in your life to automatically compare them to a
person who caused you pain. Realize that we have all experienced hurt at the hands or words of someone
else. This does not mean that you have to go on high alert and treat everyone in the present as a potential
threat. Evaluate behavior and learn to see goodness.
As the quote above says, you can't move forward if you are defensive. You will stay stuck in a rut of negativity and anxiety. That is not living. That is merely existing. Existing does not foster growth. We need
to live and change to grow...and sometimes the biggest growth comes from learning how to stop the negativity that we feed within ourselves.
You are no longer a victim. You are strong. You are better than what others led you to believe.
You are whole and wonderful just as you are. The sooner you believe it, the sooner you will see that others believe it about you too.
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