So Happy Together

I've seen so many articles about how to keep a relationship happy and healthy. While I find that most of what I've read is true..I'm aware that Kendrick and I are a bit different. Here are some common suggestions and a comparison of how we chalk up to them.

(Just a word, I will be writing this in a way that reflects my relationship...which is a man and a woman. If you are not in this type of relationship, just change the pronouns around to suit you.)

Recommendation:  Don't try to change each other.
Us: Brutal honesty. It's ok to tell each other things that you don't like. One of the best ways to become bitter and breed resentment is to not be honest when you are annoyed and angry. When we were first together, our styles of arguing were vastly different. He was prone to yell and I was apt to bottle emotions. We both needed to change.
Should you get married expecting big differences to change or get better..no. But it's totally OK to tell each other that the other's behavior is annoying, frustrating, angering, saddening..etc. Just remember to check your own motives and behavior, first.

Recommendation: Frame demands as favors.
Us: What is this?? Sugar coating words does not change their intention. If we can't tell each other what we want or need...then we shouldn't be in a relationship. This is a lie that perpetuates manipulation. Ask most men, they will tell you that they would rather have you make a list of things that you want to get done, they don't want you to constantly tip toe around them hoping it if you are sweet enough, he will catch on. Also, men tend to prioritize things by their importance. If you say, " I would love it if you could help me fold the laundry sometime", you are not sending the message that laundry is dull and boring, and you don't want to stand there alone folding everyone else's clothes. It's ok to say, "I hate folding laundry, it makes me irritated..please help me do it so it can get done faster. It's important to me." Neither of you may enjoy doing it, but you will be sharing the annoyance and you will be much less likely to take it out on one another.

Recommendation: Vocalize your appreciation
Us: Yes! Also things like: you look hot in that outfit, I appreciate the awesome sex, your sense of humor is hilarious. Don't forget to appreciate things that aren't your run of the mill appreciations. "I love that you just sat there with the kids and listened to them ramble on." "It made me happy to see you remembered to clean the sink out after shaving." Everyday, little, real life things. After all..life is made up of small moments. Don't just express appreciation for the doing..express appreciation for being who they are. The good and the ugly.

Recommendation: Focus on the positive
Us: We try to focus on the positive as much as possible. We are also realists who know that if their is a problem, it's not going to go away by being Pollyanna. Address that stuff too. Sometimes it's important to focus on the not so pretty things that happen in relationships so that you can either fix them or understand them.

Recommendation: Take trips down memory lane
Us: Of course it's always sweet to remember our history. You know what's even sweeter? The couple we have become and are today! Constantly living in the past means missing out on the moment. Also, stop bringing up past problems. Holding a fight over a partner's head is selfish. If you can't move on from a bad incident..then move on from your relationship.

Recommendation: Never side with the enemy
Us: It's important to be understanding and empathetic. It's also important to call each other out on things if we are wrong. Whether it be in personal or professional relationships..don't just blindly agree with your partner for the sake of it. We need to be told if we are wrong. Some of my best learning experiences have been because a person pointed out that I was wrong.

Recommendation: Don't get too comfortable
Us: Life does enough to shake a couple's relationship without them even trying. Revel in the comfort of each other. Laugh at the fact that you can pass gas in front of each other, wake up with bad hair and morning breath. Don't create unrealistic and unachievable goals of perfection for yourself or your partner. Take the time, when you have it and want to to do something special to get their attention.. but learning to enjoy the simple things is much more important.

Recommendation: Keep the date night alive.
Us: We don't thrive on date nights and trips together. We would much rather sit next to each other and play a game at home, read to each other, lay in bed and talk, and all the other simple little things that a couple can do to connect. If you enjoy date nights, then do it. Just know, that if you can't find happiness in your own environment..you may run into a problem when you are faced with a money or time shortage.

Our number one tip for making a relationship last?
Laugh... a lot. Laugh at each other and ourselves. Admit when we are acting like fools and laugh at that. Realize that we have put on some weight and losing hair..and laugh. Laugh at the fact that you just bickered over who didn't clean up the cat puke. Life is made up of moments that are hilarious..if you take the time to look.

In short, you don't need a list of to do's to remember. Be human, be real, and laugh. Society places enough expectations on people to live up to standards that are ridiculous..don't make your relationship one of those things. Enjoy the wonderful goodness of it..for what it is. Not what society tells you it should look like.