Schedules, school, homework, technology, and any number of things can make finding quality time as a family really difficult. It is important to plan a time to sit and talk as a family. One way to do this is to have regular family meetings.
We use these meetings for many reasons. To talk about feelings. Address changes in the household or family structure. Delegate and discuss responsibilities in the home. The list of WHY we have them can go on and on.
Here are some guidelines for a healthy and productive family meeting.
1. Address the group in a democratic way. Empower each person to make choices concerning themselves and the family as a whole. This is not a time for pointing fingers and playing the blame game.
2. Teach the use of "I" statements. This is a good tool for many reasons, and one that your kids will take with them into the world and make them better communicators.
3. Have an agenda and LOOSELY follow it. Ask the other family members to consider things that they would like to talk about beforehand. Don't be strict with the agenda. You may find that you only get one item resolved..or that one thing needs a lot more attention than you had assumed.
4. No cell phones, TV, or other distractions.
5. Each person has the right to be heard, but must wait to speak without interrupting one another.
6. No one is too old or too young to take part. If you live here..you are part of the family.
7. Do not disregard other's emotions. Even if they upset you. Hear them out and respond accordingly, with respect.
8. Plan meetings that have no agenda at all and use that time to praise one another. We call this the "compliment game".
9. Give teenagers and children (and yourself) time to think out responses and the flexibility to change them if needed. Sometimes it's hard for people to not speak on impulse.
10. No yelling, swearing, singling people out in a harsh way.
11. End on a positive note. Sometimes family meetings can get emotional..it is important to have closure to feelings. Sometimes, we end a meeting with the compliment game and it brings everyone back around.
12. Have a designated space to hold meetings. We use our living room, but have been known to drop everything at any given moment and meet wherever we can.
Sometimes, the younger people in the house get stuck in feeling that they are merely "residents" in a home. Family meetings are a great way to show them that they are an integral part of the family structure. It cuts down on the nagging and whining because everyone understands that there is a positive way to voice concerns and feelings. Remind your children that they can call a family meeting at any time (as long as everyone is home). Reinforce this by having a standing rule that if someone calls a meeting, that we all drop what we are doing and meet in the designated area.
Remember that children are children. Their attention span is not as great as ours. Make necessary changes
to accommodate that. Perhaps fixing a special snack to have while talking will help them stay more focused. Find ways to be creative and make it a positive experience rather than one that feels punitive. The goal is to encourage the family to feel safe and relaxed.
The Compliment Game:
Each of the family members sits in a circle. Starting clockwise, each person says something positive or nice about the person on their left. Then switch to counter clockwise. Then skip every other person.. until everyone has given everyone else a compliment.
It can't be underhanded.
It must be sincere.
Try to stay away from physical compliments..."I like the way you take the time to help me with my work." rather than "I like your shirt."
A quote from my very quiet 19 year old son at our last meeting, "You can't be a healthy part of a family unless you love yourself and know what you need. If you can't take care of you, you can't help your family."
Did I mention, have tissues at the ready?
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